Church jokes

Two congregations had their churchbuildings in the same street and in all years they had been in constant war with each other. The one was pentecostal and the other was lutheran. One day the pastors of the two congregations where out driving their car, and it so happended that the two cars crashed with each other. The cars where totally wracked. But the two drivers where unharmed.
I think this must be a miracle from God, telling us that he want our two congregations to live in peace with each other, said the pentecostal pastor.
Yes, said the lutheran pastor.
There was also another miracle, continued the pentecostal pastor, This bottle of wine was not crushed in the accident like all other things in my car. I think that is a sign from God that he wants us to share this bottle of wine as a sign of our new state of peace.
Yes, said the lutheran pastor and he drank half the bottle. As he gave the bottle back to the pentecostal pastor, he put tke cork back on the bottle.
Are you not going to drink your part of the wine, asked the lutheran pastor.
Yes I will, answered the pentecostal pastor. But I will wait til after the police have been here.




A moment of truth
The caretaker at the conservative theological college was an old man, but involved in all field of the activities. From time to time he held the prayer for the students and staff. When it was something that he was concerned about in his private life, he used to take it up in his prayer. In a period his wife was ill and in bed, and that concerned the caretaker very much. So is life, he said in his prayer, that you don’t know what your wife is worth before you get her in the bed.

The young priest and his wife got their first child. The old and rich aunt of the priest was very happy about this. She sent a big silver trophy to the couple. Later she sent a silver trophy every time they got a child, and at last it became a rich collection. One day the bishop came on visit in the rectory. I can see that you are a great sportsman, he said, in what sport are you competing?

A teacher in high school was a committed opponent of the evolution theory, and he put his views forward to the students. Honestly, to me it does not make any difference if my great-great ... great-great-grandfather was a monkey, said one of the students. It is possible that, said the lecturer, but I suppose it would make any difference to your great-great…great-great-grandmother.

Two craftsmen ran a business together in a city. One was increasingly concerned with the religious, and when it was held revival meetings in the city, he was immediately converted. He wanted to have his companion with him at the meetings, but he declined. Have you thought, said the companion, that if I become converted in these meetings too, who shall write our invoices?

Help in need
A nun was working in the home care in a municipality and drove around in a small car. One day she ran out of gasoline. But as luck happened the car stopped close to a farm with its own fuel storage for the agricultural machines. The nun went immediately to the farmer and he was friendliness himself. Of course she should get petrol. So it was talked about what she could have the gasoline in when to get it down to the car. The nun knew immediately what to do. She brought a pee potty she had in the car. Just as she was about to pour gasoline from the pot to the fuel tank a car with a couple is driving by. The man saw what happens and says to his wife:
That's what I call faith.

The soldier fell asleep on guard at the gate. He woke up when an officer was standing in front of him. The soldier thought about the severe punishment he risked to have fallen asleep on duty. So he closes his eyes again, lowered his head slightly and said: Amen.

A newspaper in southern Norway were in the 1930s sued by a widow from a very richly furnished home for a newspaper obituary that was written when her husband died. In the obituary, the newspaper wrote: He has now gone to a better home.

Some journalists are very energetic and have many projects running simultaneously. Kjell Hagen was one of them the time he worked in the newspaper Vårt Land. In addition to being a journalist he was a tour leader, pastor, author and editor of the Missionary Alliance magazine Misjonsvennen (the Mission friend). The former Secretary General Nils-Tore Andersen of the Mission Alliance has told about an incident where the proofreading was a little too quick. It was only three informations that should be told: the Secretary General should have one week holiday in the autumn, this was a holiday week he had not taken during the summer, his wife should be with him on holiday. What came on print in Misjonsvennen was this: The Secretary General is going to have one week holiday, together with his wife that he has not taken this summer.

New times
Readers of Christian newspapers to not hesitate to take an angry phone to the editor when they find something they don’t like in the paper. The newspaper Vårt Land published a report with pictures that the Norwegian News Agency (NTB) had sent out. The report was about the new cloth fashion among sports dancers. The dancers' attire was so minimal that some wondered if the female dancers wore anything under their dress at all. The then editor in chief, Hans Erik Matre, was aware that his paper had printed the story when he came to work in the morning, and thought that this would be a day of many furious phones. He had no sooner come into his office before the phone rang. The man who called pointed to a picture in today's newspaper. Yes, Matre said expectantly. This image, said the reader, is it possible that I can buy it from you?

Start, the football team in Kristiansand, was playing the first match in the 1990 series at home against Valerenga and won 6-2. Arve Seland put the home audience in ecstasy with a magnificent goal. Before this match Seland had performed rather badly. The then sports editor Svein Mathisen in the newspaper Fedrelandsvennen wrote that Arve Selands efforts in this match was the greatest comeback since Lazarus. The same afternoon Arve Seland came on training and immediately asked his teammates: Does anyone know in which team Lazarus is playing?

Political editor Stein Kaare Kristiansen in TV 2 had his first journalist job in the Christian newspaper Vårt Land. This could be felt as a problem when you wanted to be accepted by the heavyweights in the press when they met at the press pub. One night young Kristiansen was on his way to the pubs toilet. He observes that some of the tv-celebrities were already in the same place. As he takes on with his enterprise Kristiansen comes with an expression which immediately led to acceptance by the capital's leading political journalists: Oh, this was good. It’s strange it is not sin.

A better place
The Norwegian News Agency (NTB) had for many years full-time correspondents in the various regions. The rule was that they worked in the office alone and thus was in constant emergency preparedness also outside normal working hours. Once a year they were gathered to a correspondent meeting in Oslo and then wanted to make it clear to the leaders of the agency what a hardship such a life could be. It was done by telling the following story:
Two NTB journalists met after the death. Is not it lovely, said one, to enjoy the pleasures of heaven, after having worked as a correspondent for NTB? I see your point, replied the other, but we are not in heaven.

What a friend
A young priest got his first job in a small parish. He was very ambitious and the first thing he did
when the came to the parish was to apply for å new position that he thougth was higher up.
He got the position and on the first sunday he should tell it to the parishioners. In order to hide his
own ambitions and appear more pious he said:
It was Jesus that called me to the new position.
After hearing thar all the parishioners raised and spontanously sang: What a friend we have in Jesus.

The lutheran priest had lived with his wife in a long and happy marriage. But then the wife died.
After that happened the priest found his life unpleasant in many ways. After a couple of years he employed
a nice woman as a housekeeper in his rectory.
One day the bishop came on a visitation and he also wanted to inspect the rectory. The bishop and the
priest went from room to room and when they came to the bedroom the priest explained:
There on the corner to see the bed where my housekeeper sleep. And there, on the opposit corner,
you see the bed where I sleep. And on the floor between the two beds you see a broaf redpainted line.
It is stricktly prohibited for any of us to cross that line.
The bishop nodded and was pleased with what he saw and was told.
But, continued the priest, if any of us cross the line, there wll be a fine to pay.
The bishop found that quite in order and nodded again.
There will be a fine of one dollar, said the priest.
One dollar, said the bishop, I find that to be a very low fine.
Don't say that bishop, said the priest, very fast it amounts to big money.

It was a sunday mormning on board an aircraft carrier. Over the loadspeaker there came a message:
A service will start in the mess in five minutes. All unnecessary work must be stopped at once.
One hour later there came a new message over the loadspeaker:
The service in the mess is now over. All unnecessary work may now be continued.